When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
