woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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