they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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