We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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