so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
