What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize