well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
