dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
