Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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