did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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