Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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