she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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