My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
