Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
