A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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