Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
