I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
