i would punch a child for taco bell
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
And then he peed in my hair
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
