he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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