if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize