when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
