Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
