hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
FUCK WHALES
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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