who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
