i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
