Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize