May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had sex on a roof
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
