god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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