with your own penis?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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