I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
