i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I supernannyed him into submission
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
