Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
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