if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
