Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize