man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
