oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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