The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
