do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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