Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
