at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
