People in love make me want to vomit
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
