I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
