What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They took my balls.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
