I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
