I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
