He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
