Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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