There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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