You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
