She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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