You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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