i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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