Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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