the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think your dad took our porno
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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