At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
