I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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