just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
