hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
