just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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