shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize