At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
