You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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