he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
