Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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