closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
