Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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